Tyler

📦 About This Item

Introducing Tyler™, the first Laneyzon model officially approved for the Dad-Band despite not actually being a dad. He qualifies because his father is a dad-band member, which meets minimum lineage requirements.

This unit is a 21-year-old multi-function system featuring:

• Rec Center Management Mode, including a minimum of three keys on a carabiner

• Guitar Performance Mode, running on raw talent and zero warm-ups

• High Tolerance Engine, outperforming his maternal grandmother shockingly early in life

• Pet-Sitting Subroutine, which works… mostly

Perfect for homeowners who need short-term animal care, bands who need a fill-in guitarist, and gyms who are looking to unknowingly sponsor low-level felony behavior.

🔧 Product Features

• Rec Center Manager Protocols

• Fluent in keys, doors, and unlocking random storage closets

• Ability to look “on duty” even when he’s absolutely not

• Capable of letting people into the gym who shouldn’t be there

• Dad-Band Compatibility Mode

• Can play every classic rock song after hearing it once

• Knows exactly one Stephen Tyler scream and uses it sparingly

• Fully compatible with aging dads who still think they’re cool

• Animal Survival System

• Keeps dogs alive

• Keeps chickens alive

• Keeps rabbits alive — but just barely

• May forget water bottles require “refilling”

• Insists bunnies simply “drink fast,” even though we all know the truth

• Social Stealth Mode

• Ability to pretend everything is normal

• Can hide guilt about bunny hydration for an indefinite period

• Useful for covering up minor household mistakes

📐 Technical Specs

⚠️ Warnings

• Bunny hydration levels must be monitored independently.

• This model may commit light felonies in the name of friendship.

• Not responsible for any gym-related legal consequences.

• May claim, confidently, things that are objectively untrue (“They drink fast”).