📦 About This Item
Meet Xander™, the teen model known for:
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Briefly joining a dad-band
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Immediately quitting the dad-band
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Displaying classic teenage volatility
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And now showing surprising levels of maturity and calmness
This upgraded 2025 version includes:
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Reduced Moodiness Module
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Improved Emotional Stability Core
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Bass Guitar Competency (still installed, though not always used)
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Tie-Wearing Confusion Bug (not yet patched)
Perfect for families, garage bands, holiday gatherings, and anyone who appreciates a teenager who is finally starting to mellow out.
🔧 Product Features
• Teenager Non-Commitment Engine
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Joins projects instantly
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Leaves projects instantly
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Explains neither
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May cause band members emotional whiplash
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Classic teen behavior — now 40% reduced
• Bass Guitar Memory Bank
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Contains all bass lines learned during dad-band days
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Plays them only under optimal mood conditions
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Still capable of sounding great
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May rejoin band someday (firm maybe)
• Maturity Upgrade (New!)
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Noticeably calmer than previous versions
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Responds better to adults
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Less testy, more patient
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Emotional outbursts reduced from “spiky” to “mild grumble”
• Tie-Wearing Confusion Module
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Does not understand ties
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Does not want to understand ties
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Places tie around random body parts
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Patching not expected until adulthood
📐 Technical Specifications
| Feature | Description |
|---|---|
| Age | 15 |
| Bass Skills | Solid (when he feels like it) |
| Commitment Level | Variable |
| Moodiness Level | Decreasing |
| Tie Placement Accuracy | 0% |
| Family Compatibility | High |
| Upgrade Potential | Huge |
⚠️ Warnings
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Sudden band quitting possible.
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Attempts to teach proper tie usage may result in frustration.
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Teen mood fluctuations still occur, though at reduced intensity.
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Bass playing frequency may be unpredictable.
2 reviews for Xander
General Inquiries
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J. Bright –
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5.0 out of 5 stars (formerly 3)
“Left the band as fast as he joined… but he’s matured!”
Reviewed by J. Bright — Tallmadge, OH
Xander joined our dad-band with enthusiasm… and then left it just as fast. Classic teenager behavior — non-committal, flip-floppy, and a touch dramatic.
Originally, I gave him 3 stars for the abrupt exit.
But the kid has matured.
He’s calmer.
More grounded.
Less testy.
Updated to 5 stars.
A. Altieri –
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ 3.0 out of 5 stars
“He doesn’t know how ties work.”
Reviewed by A. Altieri — Stow, OH
Xander is cool, funny, and very likable… but he cannot wear a tie.
Just to clarify, a tie goes around your neck, not your head, not your arm, not dangling out of a pocket like a baby scarf.
You loop it.
You tighten it.
You make it look nice.
That’s literally the whole thing.
Until he masters this basic life skill, 3 stars.