📦 About This Item
The Donald™ Donny-Bag-of-Booze Edition is a premium, fully retired household model engineered for maximum relaxation, beverage management, and daytime movie marathon loyalty. While once presumed to be “between gigs,” this model has now reached peak non-employment stability, exhibiting exceptional commitment to staying home, reorganizing alcohol bottles, and monitoring AMC’s rotating schedule of action classics.
Equipped with the Distributed Liquor Storage System (DLSS), this unit ensures that spirits can appear in virtually any room of the house without warning. However, one bottle — the Disaronno — is uniquely protected behind a mysterious security protocol known only to Donald.
This model pairs best with comfortable recliners, cable TV, and households that enjoy frequent cocktail-related surprises.
🔧 Product Features
• Distributed Liquor Storage System (DLSS)
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Places alcohol in every conceivable room
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Includes “hidden shelf,” “under-shelf,” and “garage freezer surprise” modes
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Frequently restocked despite no one seeing purchases occur
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Except Disaronno: stored in a fortified vault
• Retirement Loop Protocol
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Family members assume he’ll get a job “soon”
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System resets every morning
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No job achieved
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Constant house presence ensured
• Arnold Marathon Alert System
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Detects upcoming Schwarzenegger movies
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Emits an alert tone similar to a job-interview reminder
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Causes excitement, followed immediately by disappointment
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“Get to the chopper!” mode included
• Household Presence Stabilizer
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Impossible to misplace
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Will be home no matter when you check
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Often found near:
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TV
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A random bottle
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Another random bottle
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📐 Technical Specifications
| Feature | Description |
|---|---|
| Age | Over 50 |
| Employment Status | Permanently “between jobs” |
| Liquor Distribution | High-density, multi-room |
| Favorite Bottle | Disaronno (Restricted Access) |
| Movie Preferences | 1980–1995 action genre |
| Energy Level | Medium unless AMC is involved |
| Availability | 100%, all hours, every day |
⚠️ Warnings
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Do not attempt to relocate the Disaronno — the security protocols may activate.
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Expect frequent restocking of liquor even when no purchases were witnessed.
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Do not assume that hearing an alarm means he has a job interview.
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Watching Arnold movies may cause excessive quoting.
2 reviews for Donald
General Inquiries
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G. Laney –
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ 3 Stars — “I Thought He’d Get a Job… Eventually”
Reviewer: G. Laney – Uniontown, OH
Verified Purchase
When Donald retired, I assumed he’d eventually pick up a new gig.
When I retired, I assumed the same.
Nope.
He is just… here. Always.
One morning I heard an alarm go off and honestly got excited.
“Finally,” I thought. “A job interview!”
It was just a reminder that an Arnold marathon was starting on AMC.
Three stars. Good company, questionable productivity.
J. Bright –
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5 Stars — “I’ve Never Seen So Much Liquor in One House”
Reviewer: J. Bright – Tallmadge, OH
Verified Purchase
The Donald™ comes with a shockingly well-stocked bar. Actually, “bar” is an understatement — the liquor is everywhere.
Kitchen? Stocked.
Living room? Stocked.
Family room? Stocked.
Garage? Stocked.
Shelves? Stocked.
Under the shelves? Also stocked.
It’s like a scavenger hunt where every clue leads to more booze.
Except the Disaronno.
That single bottle is treated like a nuclear launch key — hidden, locked, and probably encoded with two-factor authentication. I wonder why?