Nick
Original price was: $1,299.99.$1,199.99Current price is: $1,199.99.
This model includes the optional Grainger Loyalty Module, which may conflict with Laneyzon family systems and trigger dramatic sighing from parental units.
The Performance Mode offers powerful rock vocals, though the unit can only execute one (1) Steven Tyler song per concert before entering mandatory 48-hour voice recovery mode.
Also notable: communication is increasingly restricted to GIFs, memes, and images of Kermit drinking tea.
(In Stock)
📦 About This Item
The Nick™ Dad-Band Edition delivers solid vocal power, rhythm-focused guitar backing, and dependable father-of-three functionality. Designed for musical environments, family gatherings, and spirited debates about why he chose to work for Grainger instead of supporting the homegrown Laneyzon empire.
This model includes the optional Grainger Loyalty Module, which may conflict with Laneyzon family systems and trigger dramatic sighing from parental units.
The Performance Mode offers powerful rock vocals, though the unit can only execute one (1) Steven Tyler song per concert before entering mandatory 48-hour voice recovery mode.
Also notable: communication is increasingly restricted to GIFs, memes, and images of Kermit drinking tea.
🔧 Product Features
• Dual-Mode Musician Functionality
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Vocalist Mode: Strong, expressive, capable of covering one (1) Aerosmith song before overheating.
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Guitar Mode: Reliable rhythm guitar with stylish stage presence.
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Cannot perform both Steven Tyler vocals AND scream-sing “Livin’ on a Prayer” in the same night.
• Grainger Corporate Loyalty Core (Non-Removable)
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Will passionately defend Grainger inventory systems.
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May cause passive tension at Laneyzon family functions.
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Frequently references B2B supply chain metrics.
• Meme-Based Communication Engine
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Responds to questions with GIFs 93% of the time.
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Includes:
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Michael Scott “NOOOO”
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Pikachu Shock Face
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“Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That”
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Kermit Tea Sip (“but that’s none of my business”)
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Actual spoken words sold separately.
• Family Mode
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Excellent dad.
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Excellent husband (when using real sentences).
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Firmware occasionally freezes when asked to help with school projects.
📐 Technical Specifications
| Feature | Description |
|---|---|
| Age | 46-year-old working model |
| Height | Village-Approved Dad-Band Height |
| Voice Capacity | One Steven Tyler Track (unlimited if whispering) |
| Communication | 30% speech, 70% memes |
| Employer | Grainger (cannot be reassigned) |
| Family Compatibility | Works with Kelley + 3 dependents |
| Power Source | Coffee, guitar solos, Midwest weather |
⚠️ Warnings
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Using more than one Steven Tyler song per performance will void warranty.
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Do not attempt to disable meme-only communication mode; results unpredictable.
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Grainger loyalty chip cannot be removed without emotional drama.
3 reviews for Nick
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D. Laney –
⭐⭐☆☆☆ 2 Stars — “Shunned the Family Business”
Reviewer: D. Laney – Uniontown, OH
Verified Purchase
I expected this unit to join the noble Laneyzon ranks, but instead he ran off to work for our fiercest competitor, Grainger. It’s hard to describe the disappointment of seeing your own model wearing competitor swag at Thanksgiving.
Still a good musician and a decent father, so I’ll give him two stars, but the betrayal?
Unforgivable.
J. Bright –
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ 4-Star Review — “Warning: Only One Steven Tyler Song Per Concert”
Reviewer: J. Bright – Tallmadge, OH
Verified Purchase
I really like the Nick™ Bandmate Model — great energy, solid vocals, excellent rhythm guitar. But I wish I’d been informed earlier that this unit can only perform one Steven Tyler song per show before the voice module enters cooldown mode.
After one “Dream On,” the vocal processor shuts down and Nick starts sounding like a malfunctioning leaf blower.
I’m giving four stars because the performance before vocal failure is fantastic, but please note:
Do not attempt “Sweet Emotion” after the first Tyler track. Warranty does not cover blown vocal cords.
K. Laney –
⭐☆☆☆☆ 1-Star Review — “Only Communicates in Memes”
Reviewer: K. Laney – Cuyahoga Falls, OH
Verified Purchase
I regret to inform buyers that the Nick™ Husband Edition has a critical firmware flaw: he only communicates in memes now.
Actual conversations have become impossible. Here are real examples:
Me: “What do you want for dinner?”
Nick: sends Michael Scott yelling ‘NOOOO’ GIF
Me: “The kids have a school project due tomorrow, can you help?”
Nick: responds with the Pikachu shocked face
Me: “We need to leave in 10 minutes.”
Nick: sends Kermit sipping tea
Me: “Please answer with real words.”
Nick: posts the ‘Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That’ lady
I’m giving this one star because although he’s funny, I cannot raise three children with someone whose primary language is Reaction GIF.